4 Pack $5.99

Available anywhere money is wasted

Rating:  Zero Cockswings

4 out of 5 doctors recommend bigger cocks.

Right off the bat, you should know that ExtenZe markets itself as a penis enlargement product, not as a “pleasure pill”.  Oh no, wait, it says right on the box that it is for “size, pleasure AND performance”.  It is sold in stores right next to all of the other pleasure pills.  I guess the theory is, if it doesn’t work for one thing it can certainly be used to not work for something else. Shrewd!

You have probably seen this product on a variety of cheesy infomercials featuring artificially-cleavaged women and porn actor Ron Jeremy all giggly referring to the penis as “down there”.  This product has been on TV so often that it has actually “bought” itself respectability simply by being on TV.  “It must work, I saw it on the telly!”  Are we the stupidest people ever?

One of the most laughable items about this useless product is on the ExtenZe website FAQ’s:

 Question: How long do I take ExtenZe?

Answer: Take one tablet each day until you reach the size you desire. It’s up to you how large you want your penis to become.

Wow, it’s up to me how large I want my penis to become!  Is there a number that high? I can’t even count how many times I’ve said “I wish my cock was so large, that every time I travelled, I have to buy it an extra airline seat!”   If this product really did grow your penis as large as you wanted and after ten years of existence, wouldn’t we have seen at least one Extenze-induced gargantuan cock blocking out direct sunlight over small to mid-size cities?  Wouldn’t these giant ExtenZe-sized johnsons at least show up in porn?  C’mon!!!!

ExtenZe user  Kevin Smith posing with his giant dick.  

But alas, the market success of this product is stupefying.  It does absolutely nothing as a pleasure product.  Take it and you will feel the same way you feel when someone robs your house. Violated and vulnerable. What would you pay $6 for that does nothing? And if that wasn’t enough, reading the list of possible side-effects you’d think we’d found the cause of cancer.

Not a scare tactic, but the actual label….

In conclusion, why would you pay $6 for something that doesn’t work AND causes cancer, prostate problems, acne, hair loss, heart disease, hair growth on woman’s faces.  Wait a minute…this product is to grow your penis longer, how would it grow hair on a woman’s face when I’m a man?  Does it cause you to cross genders, too?  I give up…this is a useless exercise in high risk, no reward.  Why wouldn’t the law step in on this product?  Oh wait, they did. They successfully sued the company for false advertising, won the lawsuit, and then accepted $300,000 from the company in exchange for ExtenZe not having to admit any wrongdoing.  Wow!  My head hurts! This product is a complete bust.  Avoid at all cost!  If you buy this product from an infomercial, be assured you will never ever be able to cancel your monthly shipment unless you speak Punjab.  This is what gives advertising a bad name, I mean a worse name.  Oh did I mention this product used to contain an illegal amount of lead?  Somebody help me!

Your legal system hard at work without an erection!

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One pill $5.99-$7.99

Available at selected 7-11’s and on E-Bay

Rating:  Four and a half Cockswings

One of my many pet peeves is standing in line at my local convenience store while some gambling-addled fucknuckle at the counter spends an eternity pondering over the purchase of scratch-off lottery tickets with the same gravitas as a Supreme Court judge pondering constitutional vicissitudes. Now, before I go off on a rant on how lottery tickets are just another tax on the poor and that money could better be spent on Jagerbombs, just last week I was the one holding up the line pondering the potential benefits of a broad array of sexual enhancement products!  Mea culpa!

Seventies era porn stock photos + little blue pills = hours of fun

I have to laugh at the commoditization of sexual enhancement pills in our modern culture. What was once the domain of serious minded physicians and surgeons (we will implant a small hydraulic lever in the scrotal shaft) has now been passed on to entrepreneurial Indian immigrants who sell beef jerky and cheap sunglasses.

Do you have a family history of erectile dysfunction?

That being said, my local 7-11 is aiming to corner the market on sexual enhancement product sales and marketing.  They offer about five or six different options, and a counter clerk happy and eager to stall commerce while genuinely helping choose the best option for me.   He pushed hard on behalf of the product I inevitably purchased, Libi SX, ostensibly because it’s label crowed  “Super Power Upgrade 1000MG”.    Like the bailout of AIG, I deemed that a pill priced at $5.99 was too expensive to fail, and made my purchase, along with several other pills that I will review in the future.

Iwst99 and I decided on an unorthodox approach to trying this product.  We took our pills and I then promptly drove 20 miles away to attend a 90 minute meeting.  This is sort of a simulation of “let me take this pill and hope I get lucky tonight” strategy I employed in my younger days when experimenting with Viagra.  However, 15 minutes after taking Libi SX, I knew this was going to be a product that worked.  I had that “niacin flush” symptomatic of any product that acts as a “vasodilator”, one that opens up the blood vessels and makes it easier for blood to flow around the body.  As I sat in my meeting, feeling all flush, sexy and a little dizzy, I knew that no loincloth would be holding back my Tarzan-sized love urge.

 And this product did not disappoint.  It offered a sensuous and physical response that definitely lasted more than 24 hours.  If you don’t mind that Viagra-like flush at the beginning, you get rewarded with a nice stiff one for hours to come and a great residual effect the next morning, which is always a nice surprise for your slumber party guests.  Great responsiveness to stimulation and a nice firm and pleasurable erection is what this product delivers. 

My issues with this product are twofold.  First, the main ingredient is a little vague to say the least.  While the usual suspects are present: saw palmetto, ginko, guarana, and L-argine (sic),  this product also lists “proprietary herbal” as its 500mg ingredient.  Why doesn’t it just list “None of Your Fucking Business” as its 500mg ingredient?  Second, the company has no website, no discernable major distribution (you couldn’t even find it at other 7-11s), but it lists a distributor, “ALS USA, Bronx, NY” which cannot be traced anywhere either. The only other place to purchase this product was a lone LA-based outlaw on Ebay who gives you as much information as an Al-Qaida detainee at Gitmo.  In fact, when I contacted him to ask more about the product all he could say was that he was only a distributor and then promptly raised the price one dollar per pill when I mentioned I would be giving the product a favorable review on our site.  All righty then! 

In New York’s pre-Rudy Guiliani days, bedraggled drug dealers would be lined up on 42^nd Street hawking, loose joints, speed, coke and all other sorts of mind-altering ephemera.  I used to laugh at the thought that someone would actually buy cocaine from some sketchy stranger on a street corner in Manhattan without any real knowledge of what the heck they were buying.  Now I understand.

Four-and-a-half cockswings for Libi SX, the secret sauce of sexual enhancement products. Get it where you can!

What’s for lunch???

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