Donkeys Can’t Cook

They all say that

Upon sitting down and enjoying our most excellent views (as old school Keanu would say), I took a look at the menu and found the prey that I would be devouring for lunch, Grande Nachos.  Soon thereafter we were greeted with what I’m assuming were supposed to be chips and salsa.  To me, however, it looked like a bunch of tostadas and salsa.  I don’t have anything against this (I’m not that lazy that I can’t break up my own chips), I was just hoping this was not going to foreshadow my soon-to-come meal.  I could not tell you if the “chips” were any good, as neither Postal nor I eat chips.  Well, kind of.  Yes, as weird as it sounds, I only eat chips for Nachos reviews and not at any other time (don’t ask).  Along with the salsa we also received what would be considered the rest of the salsa bar. 

The Three Amigos

About ten minutes after staring at our hybrid tortilla chips, the waiter arrived with our food.  Upon receiving the Nachos I have to say they did make my mouth water.  Guacamole, sour cream, shredded American and Jack cheese and shredded chicken.  There was something that looked like pico de gallo, but it was only composed of tomato squares, so it gave the illusion of delicious pico de gallo.  There was also a well-hidden layer of refried beans under all the chips.  Appearance has a lot to do with Nachos.  I want the food to look appetizing and to taste just as good.  It might not seem like a big deal since it all ends up in our stomachs as a big mush, but it does.  Call me a Nachos sexist, but if I’m going to pick a plate of Nachos to work for my company, I’m going to pick the best-looking ones.  These were definitely easy on the eyes.

 

Could have worn a shorter skirt

I poured the salsas and hot sauces and proceeded to make these Nachos end up on the side of a milk carton.  I tasted the guacamole, which was only avocado and lime, and didn’t think much of it.  The shredded chicken was pretty bland and tasteless.  The cheeses were not bad, although they were not completely melted on spots.  I think they meant for them to melt with the heat of the chicken and beans, but a lot of it didn’t.  The beans did taste fresh, and although they were at the bottom of the chips they weren’t so hot and greasy that the chips would get soggy.  I can’t complain about the tomato squares…they tasted like tomato squares.  The sour cream was also your regular sour cream.  As I kept inspecting the ingredients I picked up a particular chip.

 

Ok, seriously, I know I said I wasn’t lazy enough to break up my own chips, but those were free “chips” and salsa.  This is the meal I paid for, and how do I get treated?  With deformed looking chips that are in no way small enough to be considered chips, I’m allowed to complain about these.  I don’t want to break up my own chips, nor do I want the elephantine chips to take up all of the toppings leaving the rest of the chips dry.  At first I thought this might have been a fluke and I could let it slide, but then I looked at one of the other chips.

 

t(>_<t)

Seriously, how hard is it to break up tostadas into chips??  Just Chris Brown them a few times and I guarantee you they will get that chip consistency.  That’s just lazy.  Look at the picture above.  That’s nothing but a rolled up fried tortilla.  It can’t be considered a tostada or a chip, just a rolled up less of a chip impotent tortilla.  It turns out that most of the chips were 10 times too big.  Bleh.   I ended up eating as much of this bland mess as I could and breaking up most of the fried tortillas.  I kept looking at the beach view and telling myself it was worth it (it wasn’t).  In the end, the only thing I ended up with was a few humongous greasy oversized chips.  Although they didn’t stand a chance, it was kind of like beating up an oversized child with Down syndrome.

 

Stupid “Chips”

Next time, I should remind myself to not expect quality Nachos from a restaurant that has pictures of thumb-less animals serving food.

 

Those chips are false advertisment

 

-iwst99

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Columbia Nachos

I am running out of places to review during my lunch break and will soon need to go further than the Compton area.  The next place on my Nachos reviewing spree is Columbia Burgers located in Carson, California.  Don’t get confused by the name Columbia Burgers, this place is actually a diner type of place that sells everything from onion rings and tacos to Greek salads and Oreo cookie shakes.   Delicious desert items aside, we all know I’m here to eat and review one thing, Nachos.  Or, “Nacho Grande” to be exact.  

 

Black Olives??

But just so no one confuses these Nacho Grande with all the other generically named Nacho Grande at every other restaurant in the country, Columbia Burgers added a suffix that will make you think twice before comparing them with any other.  Nacho Grande Supreme.  I looked at the picture on the menu and tried to figure out what made these Nacho Grande supreme.  Was it the black olives on top?  The lack of guacamole?  The fact that the sign was being held by a freaky looking chef-guy that in no way resembles anyone I would ever want cooking me up some Nachos?  Whatever it was, I would soon find out.

Ronald McDonald has got nothing on him

As I perused the restaurant and tried to keep my shoes on my feet on the way-too-dirty and too sticky floors, I glanced over to what would be considered the salsa bar.  It contained some of favorite hot sauces:   Cajun Chef hot sauce, Tapatio hot sauce, habanero flavored Tabasco, and of course, mustard.

It wasn’t even the spicy kind

I took some of my favorites and sat down at my table and waited for my Nacho Grande Supreme.  When they arrived, I was greeted with enough chicken for me as well as the three hobos that were wandering outside the restaurant.  With the exception of the sour cream, which was dabbed on both the left and right hand side of the plate, all other ingredients were hidden under the chicken coops-worth of meat.  There were some jalapeños, tomato squares, refried beans and Velveeta cheese.  These Nachos were lacking the whole black olives that the menu showed but at least they were truthful about their lack of guacamole, which made me sad.  Well, I had my Nachos, but I wasn’t sure what made them supreme.

 

Super Mega Nacho Grande Supreme

I tasted some of the chicken and was greeted with an interesting flavor.  I could see there was some type of red sauce on the chicken, which at first made me think it was so fresh that it had just been killed right there in the kitchen.  To my relief (or maybe dismay) the closest flavor I could identify it to was enchilada sauce.  This might work for enchiladas, but I wasn’t sure about Nachos, but I decided to give it a shot.  The refried beans were fresh but mainly covered in enchilada sauce due to the chicken, which took a little away from the taste.  The sour cream and tomato slices tasted just like they should have tasted, nothing special.  The cheese had a really generic taste to it, but again, it was typical generic Velveeta cheese.  There was also a lot of cheese and it was enough to make all of the bottom chips rather soggy.  The chip to topping ratio was at the highest it could be, a little over ¾ per chip.  This may sound like a good thing, but not when that ¾ is composed of mainly one thing.

I almost grew wings

It didn’t really matter what the rest of the ingredients tasted like, since all I could taste was enchilada sauce.  I’m all about trying new toppings and tastes on Nachos, but one always has to be careful when putting ingredients together so individual ingredients can be tasted.  I was already not feeling this enchilada sauce and the fact that everything ended up covered in it didn’t help.  I would recommend this for a group of hungry friends with only $7 between them, as they will each get enough nourishment to stay alive.  However, I would not recommend this for someone on their own looking to pig out on some delicious Nachos, as the enchiladas are cheaper and that’s the only thing you will taste.  Of course this is me speaking, so group of friends or not, these Nachos did not stand a chance.  Oh, and the only Supreme thing about these Nachos was the Supreme feeling I had running to the bathroom a few hours later.

A Supreme disappointment

 

-iwst99

 

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Chili’s Baby Back Nachos

Welcome to another wonderful (and tasty) iwst99 Nachos review. The next place on the round of reviews is…well, I’ll give you a hint. “I want my baby back, baby back, baby back”. Unless you live in the furthermost parts of Oman, you know the restaurant that I’m about to review. Wait…what? There’s actually one of these restaurant in Oman? Really? Oman? Wow. Well, just in case you don’t know, the restaurant I am now going to review is Chili’s. Aside from their catchy jingle, they are also known for having the unhealthiest salad in America. This can only mean their Nachos have to be delicious. Let’s find out!

Really??

This particular Chili’s is by my office. It has become the go-to place for company anniversaries, birthdays, Bah Mitzvahs (we have Jewish owners) and winter solstice celebrations (we have atheist employees). Needless to say, we come here often and oddly enough I’ve never had their Nachos. All of these chain restaurants pretty much look the same inside: “Hip” decor, a “cool” happy hour bar and waiters and waitresses covered in “funky” flare and an attitude to match. The reason for the quotes is that I like to think that the branding manager was doing those finger quote things when he was describing what every Chili’s atmosphere should be like (Was someone really paid to come up with this concept?).

While looking through the menu I found the Kickin’ Jack Nachos. I was getting ready to decide if I wanted Chicken or Steak when I saw something that caught my eye on the pricing. Was it the fact that guacamole was extra? Nope. Was it that they put the word cheese in Spanish for no apparent reason? Nah. The fact that they tried to throw more “Hip” lingo out there by spelling kicking as “Kickin’”?? No, it’s even worse.

Whaaa?

12 Nachos for 7.49 and NEW 8 Nachos for 4.99? What is this blasphemy? Since when are Nachos bought on a per chip basis? I know we’re in an economic crisis and everything but c’mon. Although I was somewhat dazed and confused (and slightly aroused), I decided to order the 12 Nachos, along with chicken and house-made guacamole. Man, that’s already over 10 bucks and I still wasn’t even sure of what I ordered. I mentioned in a previous review that sometimes you pay for the atmosphere. You know, a nice beach front view or maybe some nice paintings on the wall. Was the atmosphere at Chili’s worth the $10 in Nachos?

Heck no

Ok, maybe I had jumped to conclusions. The Nachos might be so unbelievable that they may actually be worth it. I saw the waitress approaching my table with her “funky” attitude and hands filled with plates. As she laid my plate down in front me I admired the arrangement of the food items.

Mmm…star shaped pay-per chip Nachos

Kudos on the presentation, but now it was time to figure out what was going on. The main components were: a scoop of guacamole, really just composed of avocado, a scoop of sour cream, some pico de gallo with tomato, red onion and green peppers, and some lettuce for garnish (why?). Those were all pretty plain, but then came the chips. Each of the 12 chips was individually designed for you. The jack cheese and chicken were melted on each individual chip and was toasted so the chips and cheese would get a nice brown look to them. Jalapeños were also scattered all throughout. All the basics of Nachos were there, so I guess I couldn’t complain. There was salsa missing, however, which I then ordered. Just an FYI, make sure to order the salsa beforehand or you’ll spend 10 minutes waiting for the waitress to bring it over. I finally getting ready to dig in, when I realized one couldn’t eat these like ordinary Nachos.

Designer chips?

Due to the way these Nachos were designed, any attempt to try to dip the chips into sour cream or guacamole would cause the toppings to fall off. Not that it mattered really, since the guacamole came in a container so small that dipping the chips was impossible. I finally realized that I had to use my fork to decorate the chips according to my liking. This was actually kind of time consuming and a little annoying. I took the time to do so (not that I had a choice) and took the first bite. Wow. The taste was actually quite good. The chicken was grilled fajita style and had a tasty Margarita flavoring to it. The toasted chips and cheese gave it a smoky flavor as well. The guacamole and pico de gallo were nothing spectacular, but they did get the job done. The salsa I got was also pretty tasty.

When I first looked at the plate I thought to myself that these 12 chips would not be enough. I was surprised when I was barely able to finish everything on the plate. I was quite satisfied with the meal and couldn’t complain at all. Well, maybe the way of decorating each chip was kind of different, but it wasn’t as annoying as I first thought it would be. All in all it was a good eating experience. I was with a friend so the atmosphere of the restaurant didn’t bother me too much and the tasty Nachos did make up for it. Next time I come here on the company’s dime I know I will be ordering them again. Sadly, I forgot to take a picture of the end product, but I can honestly say that although the Nachos did put up a fight, they didn’t stand a chance.

 

 

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Roach Coach Pleasures

There are people out there that are willing to judge a book by its cover, or in this case a restaurant, based on the way it looks.  Sure, you could pay extra for a nice atmosphere, fancy televisions and singing mariachis, but expensive dinning does  not always equal better food, especially when it comes to Mexican food.  The reason I mention all this is because the next set of Nachos I’m going to review come from my work’s lunch truck (aka the roach coach).  If you don’t know what a lunch truck is, it’s basically a truck that is driven around by a driver and has a full-fledged  kitchen and a nice lunch lady with poor understanding of the English language who sits in the back.  They usually have contracts setup with different companies and they stop in the morning and afternoons to fill your craving for almost anything that is greasy and or fattening. 

 

Also a good excuse to leave your desk for 10 minutes

 

At first I didn’t dare order anything from such a from the Roach Coach for fear that I might contract cholera, but once I took a chance I was pleasantly surprised.  You can order almost any breakfast or lunch item on this truck; Burgers, burritos, chips, juices, and of course, Nachos.  At times you might have to put up with slight stomach pains or the runs hours after digesting the food, but it’s the chance you take when the only type of food available to you comes delivered on four wheels.  You can pretty much order the Nachos with any meat available; carne asada, al pastor, pork, chicken, etc.  As usual I went for chicken (I heart protein).  Lucky for me I speak Spanish, so I didn’t have to worry about the lunch lady confusing my order of chicken Nachos for one of a tongue burrito (which I wouldn’t have minded) like some of my co-workers have to.  As I waited around for my order I took a look at what was available to enhance my Nacho eating experience.  There were some bottles of different dressings and salsas as well as some variety of chiles on the side.

 

Wish Bone salad dressing and maple syrup?  Don’t think so.

 

Generic green and red salsa in unmarked bottles?  Ca-Ching!

Upon receiving my order in a Styrofoam container, I walked back to my desk.  As I reached my sitting area, the room was filled right away with the wonderful aroma of breakfast Nachos (this was 9:30am).  My co-workers peered over their cubes with jealousy as they admired the delicious looking plate that now sat on my desk.  Our supervisor next door proceeded to slam our door with rage/jealousy, as he does every time we fill his nostrils with delicious food smells from the lunch truck.  The aroma, now trapped in our windowless room, could do nothing except wait to be absorbed by our noses and pores.   Below is a shot of what I saw in front of me.

 

Part of a complete breakfast

 

Take a look at the mess above.  That is what I think of what I think of Nachos.  This is the poster child of what Nachos should look like:  A good mix of all the ingredients necessary to make tasty Nachos.  Guacamole, pico de gallo, sour cream, beans, cheeses, crispy chips (mmmmmmmmmmmmm). 

 

Ok, that’s only the way they look, but what about the taste?  I’ll skip the sour cream, as that was your usual generic sour cream taste, and I’ll start with the guacamole.  All this guacamole consists of is avocado, lime and a little bit of salt.  It’s kind of liquid-y but not enough that it’s too thin to be dipped.  That’s it, and you now what?  It’s delicious.  I’ve seen guacamoles made with tomatoes, onion, cilantro, green chiles, lime and mayonnaise all at once, and they don’t even come close to how delicious this is.  I’ve been to places where I’ve paid extra to just have any guacamole, and that still doesn’t compare to this guacamole that I had to pay nothing extra for.  Whatever amount of ingredients she mixed in was  perfect.  Guacamole is not that hard to make, yet it seems that most places cannot get it right.

 

How to f- up guacamole

 

The pico de gallo consisted of cilantro, tomatoes and a little bit of lime.  The ratio of onion was a little higher than the rest of the ingredients, but I’m bias as I love onions.  The taste was, once again, excellent and the ingredients were quite fresh.  The chicken was grilled and juicy, although it didn’t have too much flavor, but the rest of what the Nachos were covered in made up for it, as everything else complimented the chicken quite nicely.  The beans were refried and not too greasy, they got the job done well.  The chips were crispy from beginning to end, as there really wasn’t anything making the chips soggy at any point.  Not only that, but the chip to topping ratio was actually ¾ chip.

 

;-D

 

So these Nachos don’t just come with one type of cheese, but actually come with two!  This might not seem as mind blowing as I might try to make it sound, but most places that try to use two cheeses can’t even get one right and totally ruin the Nachos by trying to add more than they should (*cough* Cheesecake Factory).  The first cheese is shredded jack.  It wasn’t quite melted on top, but the beans were hot enough that it melted there.  See, I don’t really feel the cheese has to be melted on Nachos as long as it’s done right, and in this case it’s done right.  So aside from shredded jack there was also cotija cheese.  Never heard of cotija cheese?  Well, I’m not surprised, but I will explain it more thoroughly when I start the cheeses section of my site. 

 

Si se puede!

Cotija is a Mexican cheese that won the cheese of the year award in 2006, beating out 500 other cheeses from all over the world.  It’s a little saltier than most cheese at 4% salt (most cheeses are 1.5%), and it comes in a hard and granulated forms (like parmesan).  This might seem like a turn-off to some, but the taste is actually quite robust and can compliment many dishes well.  In this case it was sprinkled all over the top of the Nachos.  Again, it was not melted but with the way it was used it did not matter.  Both these cheese complimented each other as well as the rest of the ingredients on these Nachos.  Most “better” places simply give you one typical cheese like cheddar (don’t get me wrong, I LOVE cheddar) while this lunch truck gives you a tastier experience with two types of cheeses.  Heck, cotija itself is more expensive than most typical cheeses offered on Nachos.

 

In conclusion, these Nachos were awesome.  The ingredients were fresh with just the right amount of all these ingredients, with no ingredient overpowering other ingredients with its taste.  The taste of the guacamole and pico de gallo were delicious considering there was nothing mind-blowing about the ingredients.  This lunch truck lady obviously had the fundamentals of cooking down to a T.  She took minimal ingredients and made the best of it.  She knew what cheeses went well with each other and even went as far as using lesser known cheeses in ways not usually used and still made a delicious plate of Nachos.  Considering she’s in a rush making everybody else’s orders, and the fact that they only cost $4.50, I could ask for nothing more.

 

Never stood a delicious chance!

 

-iwst99

 

 

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Lucky Star, Unlucky Nachos

There are very few things I like in the world other than Nachos. One of those things is optical illusions. I don’t know what it is, but seeing a picture that could represent two different images depending on how it’s looked at is pretty fascinating to me, and it usually takes skillful talent to pull off. Take the picture below for example. Is this girl licking and salivating over the delicious meal she just ate off her finger, or is she simply shoving her finger in her mouth getting ready to purge all over her neck that is 20 times too small for her body?

You’ll find out soon enough

This is a perfect segue way into my review of my next establishment, Lucky Star. It was lunch time and my coworker Marek (as seen in my “Roommates” video eating sausages in his underwear) and I decided to head to one of our area’s dirtiest but tastiest restaurants. Lucky Star is located in Compton, California, although they claim to be in Carson, California. It’s not as if one of these two places is better than the other, they’re both just as ghetto, except one gets more exposure than the other thanks to rap music. I mean, just look at their sign below.

“Spos Ba”? Doesn’t exactly spell classy

Think of Lucky Star as a Mexican diner, since pretty much any type of Mexican food can be found on the menu, as well as every other type of food item, such as chocolate shakes and hamburgers. I’ve had some pretty good and authentic tasting meals at this place and was looking forward to a nice plate of Nachos, which oddly enough I have never had here. I was confused when I looked at their menu and could not find Nachos. I looked under Mexican Specialties, but Nachos were nowhere to be found. Lunch Specials? Same deal. Maybe under appetizers like at one of those fancy restaurants? Nope. What was going on here? I finally approached the cashier and inquired about Nachos, which they did indeed have. A nice feature about this place is that you can order your Nachos with pretty much any meat they offer; carne asada, al pastor, lengua (tongue) etc. Oh, just don’t try to get them to put chorizo on them (which they put on everything else) because they will look at you like you just asked them to name their top five favorite Milli Vanilli songs (Blame It On The Rain!) and you will have to settle for the chicken. After ordering my food I took another look at the menu and was finally able to find where the Nachos were located. Where did my Where’s Waldo scavenger hunt lead me to? The “Sides” part of the menu. Yes, a place that specializes in Mexican food items had lumped Nachos under the same category as fried zucchini and pastrami French fries (yum..?). As if that wasn’t weird enough they were listed at a price of $5.47. Yeah.

If you’ve read my copious reviews (all two of them) then you have figured out that salsa bars are really important to me. Lucky Star seemed to feel the same way and they actually advertised and made a big deal right on their menu of the fact that they had a fresh salsa bar. I finally realized I am not alone in the world and there are others out there that share my understanding that our daily lives should be filled with salsa bars. The salsa bar was composed of green salsa, red salsa, pico de gallo with a good balance of tomatoes, onions, green chiles and cilantro, along with other yummy items. I’ll let their menu speak for itself.

I come for the 15 TV’s but stay for the “superioir” service

After loading up on more than enough salsa to feed a family of 20, I sat at my booth daydreaming about the adventures that my taste buds and I would get into with our future new friend. I didn’t have to wait long as the waitress brought over my plate and placed it on my table. As soon as I was about to take a picture of the Nachos to show in my review, there was one of those DJ turntable scratching noises in my head (SCREEEEEEEEEECH). WTF!? Something was missing, something important. Even my roommate (who lacks a PHD in Nachoalogy, unlike me) knew something was amiss.

O guacamole, where art thou?

Yes, there was no guacamole in sight. For a place that I’ve been to plenty and have had some of the most delicious and authentic Mexican dishes at, this was ludicrous. Guacamole is one of the main components that make Nachos what they are (sweet nectars from paradise). Considering the salsa bar didn’t have any, nor was I ever asked if I wanted to add some for $.99 like other places, I was honestly expecting it to be piled up on the plate, but alas. Another thing I noticed was that the chicken was fried. I would understand if I was given the option of fried or grilled, but I wasn’t, I was simply told that chicken was an option. I know it sounds weird coming from a guy that eats Nachos as a hobby, but I really did not want all that extra fat on the plate. Maybe if the seasoning was tasty like Popeye’s it would make sense, but it wasn’t, it was dry and tasteless (it’s not like Mexico is known for its fried chicken).

The cheese was your typical Velveeta cheese, and there wasn’t even enough to cover all the chips. The beans were refried, dry and with little flavor. The chips also tasted as if they had been sitting out in the kitchen for a few days. The pico de gallo it came with was the same from the salsa bar, so nothing special there. The best thing about them was the glob of sour cream on top, which seemed to provide a little moisture to this extremely dry mess. After covering the Nachos in green salsa and even more pico de gallo, I proceeded to dig in.

The chip to topping ratio was actually pretty good at about a ¾ ratio. It’s too bad that this ratio is mostly composed of dry food items and a big lack of guacamole

:’(

I had probably only eaten about 10 chips when I got extremely bored. This is probably the first time I had been bored eating Nachos. I even offered Marek some, and after asking him how they were he replied with a simple “meh”. I nodded in agreement. At this point I started noticing that the cheese and beans had started forming a layer of greasy oil on top of them. I don’t think it helped that they were covered with greasy fried chicken. It got to the point where just the sight of the mixture was making my stomach grumble, and I also started to not feel very well.

They’re like one of those guys in prison that intentionally don’t shower or groom so they don’t get raped

I had at this point lost my appetite and decided to call it quits. As much as I love Nachos it was hard for me to think these as regular Nachos as opposed to an inbred offspring of Nachos. I packed up my things and told these Nachos I would be staying at my mother’s house and never coming back. It could keep the ring for all I cared. Next time you hear rapper “The Game” freestyle about how awesome Compton is, just remember where this abomination came from. Oh, and remember that optical illusion at the beginning? I figured it out what it actually should have looked like.

That is not guacamole

-iwst99

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Cheesecake Nachos?!

The other day my friend Postal (who will be coming with me on most of my reviews) and I decided to take a stroll near the beach.  He supports my Nacho eating love (obsession) and is more than happy to go with me on my quest to taste and grade all possible Nachos I encounter.  We ended up getting a bit hungry and I suggested we go to the Cheesecake Factory near there as there were some nice views.  Since I started to review Nachos I’ve opened myself to reviewing Nachos from places I wouldn’t normally order them from, like big chains.  Not reviewing these places made little sense as the places that are available to most people throughout the country are these particular restaurants.  Upon looking on the menu I found under the appetizers section they indeed had Nachos, or “Factory Nachos” to be exact.  This name is a little off putting as I’m already getting the idea in my head that they will be generic at best.  I guess we’ll find out.  With the addition of chicken the total price turned out to be about $9.99, which is kind of high for Nachos in my opinion, but you pay for the atmosphere I guess.

 

                                                   This priceless view is worth about $9.99

 

Upon arriving, I gave the Factory Nachos a gold star for presentation as they really did look scrumptious.  The main components were a scoop of the following: sour cream with chives on top, pico de gallo and guacamole, in that order.  Velveeta and jack cheese were melted and spread evenly through all the chips on top as well as the chicken.  The dry chips on the bottom must have been bad all year since Santa Claus didn’t bring them anything, not even a hint of flavor.   There were also about six slices of jalapeños and maybe five grains of corn, which I’m assuming were thrown in for flavor.

  I lied, there’s really 7 ½ slices of jalapeños

 

When going to “fancy” chain restaurants Nachos are likely to fall under the appetizers section and it’s implied that you’re going to share them, especially when you’re with someone else.  Since Postal is on a non Nachos eating food plan that he saw on Oprah, he did not join me.  This probably explains the reason I got weird looks from the waitress when I told her they were just for me.  She also seemed annoyed when I asked her for some hot sauce, as if I should have been grateful for having even gotten the few jalapeños that were thrown at me.  Just as I was about to snap into a z-formation, she brought out enough hot sauce to meet my needs.  By enough hot sauce I mean she brought out the party size bottle, which was enough for me and 300 of my closest friends.  This was as close as I was going to get to a salsa bar.

  

Party over here!

 

I started by tasting the guacamole, which was composed of avocado, onion, cilantro and tomato, and was right away struggling to keep even a small glob of guacamole on my chip.  It seemed like someone left work early and forgot to finish mashing the avocado as there were still pretty big chunks of avocado left in the guacamole.  It is pretty much impossible to dip the chips into the guacamole in this situation and it’s more of a balancing act trying to get a huge chunk of avocado to stay on the chip.  This in turn causes most of the guacamole to be gone right away as you have to put more than the amount you want on your chip, unless you grab a fork and knife and cut the chunks since the chunks are too thick for even a chip to slice through them, which makes sharing a pain.  The guacamole was decent enough, but not worth the balancing act you have to go through trying to get some guacamole goodness on your chip.  Little did I know my nacho acrobatics were far from over.

 

Now, on to the cheese.  As I mentioned earlier there were two types of cheeses on the Nachos.  I am all about the extra cheeses, but please, make sure you get the art of melting one cheese down before you start going crazy and adding more cheeses.  You see, there isn’t a wrong way to melt cheese, but depending on how you melt the cheese you will get different results in the end.  The best way to melt cheese for Nachos is by using indirect heat.  Not doing so causes the chips to get lumpy and cold quicker, and make for a not very fun eating experience.  In this case the cheese was congealed as soon as the plate touched my table and it was impossible to dip the chips in anyway.

 

I have a feeling that the same person that made the guacamole also cooked this cheese.

 

The final results are huge globs of cheese stuck together, and once again, too thick for a chip to cut through.  Along with this, any tiny string of cheese could cause 3 or more chips to stick together.  Some chips were completely covered in cheese (I will call these the lucky chips) and there was nothing I could do about it.  The chips that were dry (I will call these castaway chips) were going to stay dry unless I grabbed my fork and scrapped some of the cheese off the lucky chips and put them on the castaway chips.  The lucky chips were not happy about this (as they are conceited snobs) and it didn’t help that I was too lazy to want to use my fork and knife to cut the cheese (insert childish laugh here) and evenly distribute it among the Nachos.  I’m not freaking McGuyver, so I couldn’t use a napkin ring, portable hula hoop and my left shoe string to create a contraption to melt the delicious cheese all over the Nachos the way it should be.  The castaway chips were not happy and neither was I.

 

An orgy with too many uninvited guests

 

As for the rest of the Nachos, the shredded chicken was marinated in a citric marinate and had some taste to it, but nothing to rave about.  The pico de gallo was the typical tomato onion and green peppers, again, nothing special.  Sour cream was just what it was supposed to be, and as I had suspected, the five grains of corn didn’t do much of anything.  If I seem to be keeping this part brief, it’s because the rest of the Nachos did not make up for the trouble I went through to eat them.  Luckily, I was the only one eating them, but if I were sharing them with a group of people it would be a pain for everyone to get the same amount of anything.  I threw the chip to topping ratio out of this review as it made no sense to try to rate it and it was also pretty difficult to try to calculate it.  Next time you’re at the Cheesecake Factory for a Quinceañera I would recommend you skip the Nachos and get a slice of pie instead (something they’re really good at).   Below is the final outcome.

 

It’s not that they stood a chance, I just got bored

 

-iwst99

 

 

 

 

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First Review - Tacos y Mas!

I like Nachos.  I do.  I really really really do.  Notice how I capitalize the word Nachos like they are some kind sort of forgotten but tasty god?  Since Nacho can be short for the Hispanic name Ignacio, I technically could be saying “I like Ignacios” but this is not the case.  I don’t even know who Ignacio is, much less multiple Ignacios, or why he/they taunt me with his/their delicious name, but I digress.  This will be my first review in a series of food reviews all revolving around my one true love, Nachos (the food).  You see, as much as it would make me happy to marry some Nachos and procreate with them, thus creating hundreds of delicious offspring, it is illegal in all 50 states of the US of A as well as most of its territories, except maybe Guam.  The only thing I know of to ever come out of Guam is Ann Curry, which is not enticing enough for me to make a trip there.  I guess I will have to keep my relationship with Nachos purely platonic.  Sigh.

Ann Curry

My first victim lucky establishment to review was Tacos Y Mas!  No, I’m not excited because I’m writing a review on this place, the “!” is actually part of their name.  By doing this, a fun/delicious atmosphere is being portrayed that may or may not be there, thus creating high expectations that they might not provide.   Sure you have the tacos, but can you truly 103% guarantee that you have and can provide the “Mas!”?  How about omitting the unnecessary punctuation and let us, the customers and our taste buds, make up our mind on whether you do or don’t bring the “!” to our table.

There’s not much to this place really, it’s just part of the food court near my work.  Just like every other food court on this planet, it’s basically composed of one of every type of restaurant so each is without competition for their type of food.  Hence, sometimes it is referred to as “the Mexican place,” which happens to sit between “the Japanese place” and “the (greasy) Chinese place.”  It’s located somewhere around Carson and Compton, California.  It’s so new I can’t even find it on a map, so I just marked it on Google Maps to put a stop everyone’s undying curiosity.

 

The N stands for Nachos.

The restaurant offers multiple items, but really one I really care for is the Nachos.  Upon looking at the menu I realize there are two types of Nachos.

In case it’s hard to distinguish in my blurry camera phone picture the Nachos on the right, simply referred to as Nachos, are composed of the bare minimums: Chips, pico de gallo, Velveeta cheese and jalapeños.  While the picture on the left, the Nacho Macho, has everything Nachos has, but in addition there is guacamole, sour cream, refried beans, and your choice of carne asada or chicken.  Nacho Macho could be referred to as Nachos’ hot older cheerleader sister, while Nachos seems like the younger dorky sister with the lazy eye.  Naturally I chose the Nacho Macho (sorry Nachos, you’ll eventually grow some beans).

It seems I had showed up right at the golden hour where everybody in the surrounding 10 miles had decided to take a lunch.  As I waited for my order I decided to take a look at the salsa bar.  Salsa bars are a pretty important part of your Nacho eating experience, at least for me.  They can add deliciousness to your Nachos that are already delicious (mmm deliciousnessness), or make them at least edible if they are bland. 

The salsa bar can make or break your Nachos

This particular salsa bar some had very good aspects.  It offered some good varieties of salsas, condiments and garnishes.  The main draw to me however, and one that is hard to find, is the fact that it had guacamole.  Not just any guacamole, but the good chunky tasty guacamole that totally outshines that green liquid gunk a lot of places tend to offer (I’m looking at you El Pollo Loco).  In most places guacamole is a commodity, and sometimes it costs more just to add an extra scoop.  I for one believe this is ridiculous, as guacamole is to Nachos as Nachos are to me (oxygen).  Said Nachos cannot sustain life without the right amount of guacamole, and will eventually suffer a form of hypoxia before inevitably dying a slow and uncomfortable death.  Sad.  Luckily, this is not the case and one can slather as much guacamole as legally possible, hopefully not enough to drown the Nachos like a neglected child at a public pool (the kind everyone pees in).  Yay, my Nacho Macho is(are?) here!

Every restaurant tends to offer side dishes along with their main meals, these are usually called combos.  McDonalds has French fries, KFC has mashed potatoes, and Tacos y Mas! has chips.  Yes, chips.  What better side to compliment your meal than the main component of what you’re already eating.

Yes, side chips

On this occasion I decided to order the Nachos topped with carne asada, and there was plenty of it.  Some places tend to overload the Nachos with everything but what you pay more for, so it was a nice change to see plenty of meat.  The carne asada was cooked medium and the taste was generic, which is to be expected and not necessarily a bad thing as it did get the job done.  The beans served were refried and there was an abundance of these as well.  There was just the right amount of Velveeta cheese and shredded American cheese.  What I mean by this is that it was not too much that it would cover all the Nachos, therefore making the chips soggy quickly, but enough to keep all the chips and your taste buds satisfied (cheesyfied?) and able to taste and enjoy the other ingredients as well.  There were about two tablespoons of sour cream dabbed on the side of the plate, which is kind of nice because you won’t get it all lumped up in the middle on top of the other ingredients whether you want it or not.

So I know I’m making these Nachos sound pretty generic, and they are, but this serves as a perfect segue way into a point I was trying to make earlier, the salsa bar.  There was a chile de arbol and a green chile salsa.  Neither of these did too much to help the Nachos, but they are there for those who like an extra kick.  The pico de gallo was your typical serving of tomato, lime and green chiles, but about 10 times the servings of onion (bring breath mints).  This is actually perfectly fine with me, as I for one love the delicious raw taste the white nectar brings, although it might not be everybody’s cup of yumminess.  If you are brave enough to put up with the onions, you will be rewarded with a tasty compliment to the Nachos. 

Now, remember that delicious green gold I raved about earlier? Ah yes, the guacamole.  Guacamole comes in all different shapes and flavors, depending on the ingredients.  Adding the right combination and amount of ingredients is essential for a good guacamole eating experience.  As easy as it might seem, not everyone can pull off good guacamole.  The sample at hand was composed of avocado, cilantro, lime, salt and a little bit mayo.  The avocado and cilantro are common enough, but not everybody is aware of the awesomeness that is lime.  The lime not only gives it great flavoring and makes the blend just a tad bit juicy (unless you go overboard), but it also prevents the avocado from turning brown.  Although the taste is not totally lost when the avocado turns brown (it usually happens in a short period of time), covering your Nachos with a brown mushy blob makes them not seem as appetizing.   The taste of the guacamole was savory and I definitely kept going back for more.  Lucky for me I could get as much as I wanted without having to worry about getting kicked out of the kitchen for trying to help myself to more (damn you Baja Fresh).

Finally, one of the most important factors when it comes to the making Nachos is the topping to chip ratio.  The topping to chip ratio for these Nachos is 1/3 chip. Confused?  See below.

Basically, it’s the average part of the chip you can put toppings on throughout the meal without ending up with dry chips at the end.  This might not seem as important when you’re by yourself, but it is when you’re sharing said Nachos as an appetizer with other people.  Let’s say you, Chayanne and Lareina decide to all chip in for some Nachos (That pun was totally not intended, I am not that smart[I know everyone says that, but I mean it{really}]).  You and Chayanne are pretty conscientious about the amount of toppings you can put on each chip so everybody gets the same amount, but Lareina over there was never taught topping to chip ratio courtesy.  As you and Chayanne make sure each one of your chips has about a 1/3 chip ratio full of toppings, Lareina packs about a 3/4 chip ratio on hers, filling you with unfathomable rage.  You get ready to go Chris Brown on her, but decide not to as if it wasn’t for her you would have died in that helicopter accident.  You let this go on and before you know it there are about 20 dry chips left on the plate but with little to no toppings to put on them.  It almost makes you wish you died in that helicopter accident, but instead you settle down by crying one of those sad Native American Indian tears.

:’(

Overall, the Nachos alone were average enough to be edible, but thanks to the salsa bar they were quite enjoyable.  The amount of toppings was enough to keep everyone in a group happy, but most importantly, it kept ME happy.  I would recommend them to anyone visiting Compton for an exotic weekend getaway.  Check out the aftermath below.  My coworker for one couldn’t help himself to my delicious side chips.

 

They never stood a chance

 

- iwst99

 

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