Right off the bat, you should know that ExtenZe markets itself as a penis enlargement product, not as a “pleasure pill”.Oh no, wait, it says right on the box that it is for “size, pleasure AND performance”. It is sold in stores right next to all of the other pleasure pills.I guess the theory is, if it doesn’t work for one thing it can certainly be used to not work for something else. Shrewd!
You have probably seen this product on a variety of cheesy infomercials featuring artificially-cleavaged women and porn actor Ron Jeremy all giggly referring to the penis as “down there”.This product has been on TV so often that it has actually “bought” itself respectability simply by being on TV.“It must work, I saw it on the telly!”Are we the stupidest people ever?
One of the most laughable items about this useless product is on the ExtenZe website FAQ’s:
Question: How long do I take ExtenZe?
Answer:Take one tablet each day until you reach the size you desire. It’s up to you how large you want your penis to become.
Wow, it’s up to me how large I want my penis to become!Is there a number that high? I can’t even count how many times I’ve said “I wish my cock was so large, that every time I travelled, I have to buy it an extra airline seat!”If this product really did grow your penis as large as you wanted and after ten years of existence, wouldn’t we have seen at least one Extenze-induced gargantuan cock blocking out direct sunlight over small to mid-size cities?Wouldn’t these giant ExtenZe-sized johnsons at least show up in porn?C’mon!!!!
ExtenZe user Kevin Smith posing with his giant dick.
But alas, the market success of this product is stupefying.It does absolutely nothing as a pleasure product.Take it and you will feel the same way you feel when someone robs your house. Violated and vulnerable. What would you pay $6 for that does nothing? And if that wasn’t enough, reading the list of possible side-effects you’d think we’d found the cause of cancer.
Not a scare tactic, but the actual label….
In conclusion, why would you pay $6 for something that doesn’t work AND causes cancer, prostate problems, acne, hair loss, heart disease, hair growth on woman’s faces. Wait a minute…this product is to grow your penis longer, how would it grow hair on a woman’s face when I’m a man?Does it cause you to cross genders, too?I give up…this is a useless exercise in high risk, no reward.Why wouldn’t the law step in on this product?Oh wait, they did. They successfully sued the company for false advertising, won the lawsuit, and then accepted $300,000 from the company in exchange for ExtenZe not having to admit any wrongdoing.Wow! My head hurts! This product is a complete bust.Avoid at all cost!If you buy this product from an infomercial, be assured you will never ever be able to cancel your monthly shipment unless you speak Punjab.This is what gives advertising a bad name, I mean a worse name.Oh did I mention this product used to contain an illegal amount of lead?Somebody help me!
Your legal system hard at work without an erection!
- Postal
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Posted 5 months, 4 weeks ago at 8:06 pm. 9 comments
One of my many pet peeves is standing in line at my local convenience store while some gambling-addled fucknuckle at the counter spends an eternity pondering over the purchase of scratch-off lottery tickets with the same gravitas as a Supreme Court judge pondering constitutional vicissitudes. Now, before I go off on a rant on how lottery tickets are just another tax on the poor and that money could better be spent on Jagerbombs, just last week I was the one holding up the line pondering the potential benefits of a broad array of sexual enhancement products!Mea culpa!
Seventies era porn stock photos + little blue pills = hours of fun
I have to laugh at the commoditization of sexual enhancement pills in our modern culture. What was once the domain of serious minded physicians and surgeons (we will implant a small hydraulic lever in the scrotal shaft) has now been passed on to entrepreneurial Indian immigrants who sell beef jerky and cheap sunglasses.
Do you have a family history of erectile dysfunction?
That being said, my local 7-11 is aiming to corner the market on sexual enhancement product sales and marketing.They offer about five or six different options, and a counter clerk happy and eager to stall commerce while genuinely helping choose the best option for me.He pushed hard on behalf of the product I inevitably purchased, Libi SX, ostensibly because it’s label crowed“Super Power Upgrade 1000MG”.Like the bailout of AIG, I deemed that a pill priced at $5.99 was too expensive to fail, and made my purchase, along with several other pills that I will review in the future.
Iwst99 and I decided on an unorthodox approach to trying this product.We took our pills and I then promptly drove 20 miles away to attend a 90 minute meeting.This is sort of a simulation of “let me take this pill and hope I get lucky tonight” strategy I employed in my younger days when experimenting with Viagra.However, 15 minutes after taking Libi SX, I knew this was going to be a product that worked.I had that “niacin flush” symptomatic of any product that acts as a “vasodilator”, one that opens up the blood vessels and makes it easier for blood to flow around the body.As I sat in my meeting, feeling all flush, sexy and a little dizzy, I knew that no loincloth would be holding back my Tarzan-sized love urge.
And this product did not disappoint.It offered a sensuous and physical response that definitely lasted more than 24 hours.If you don’t mind that Viagra-like flush at the beginning, you get rewarded with a nice stiff one for hours to come and a great residual effect the next morning, which is always a nice surprise for your slumber party guests.Great responsiveness to stimulation and a nice firm and pleasurable erection is what this product delivers.
My issues with this product are twofold.First, the main ingredient is a little vague to say the least.While the usual suspects are present: saw palmetto, ginko, guarana, and L-argine (sic), this product also lists “proprietary herbal” as its 500mg ingredient.Why doesn’t it just list “None of Your Fucking Business” as its 500mg ingredient?Second, the company has no website, no discernable major distribution (you couldn’t even find it at other 7-11s), but it lists a distributor, “ALS USA, Bronx, NY” which cannot be traced anywhere either. The only other place to purchase this product was a lone LA-based outlaw on Ebay who gives you as much information as an Al-Qaida detainee at Gitmo.In fact, when I contacted him to ask more about the product all he could say was that he was only a distributor and then promptly raised the price one dollar per pill when I mentioned I would be giving the product a favorable review on our site.All righty then!
In New York’s pre-Rudy Guiliani days, bedraggled drug dealers would be lined up on 42nd Street hawking, loose joints, speed, coke and all other sorts of mind-altering ephemera.I used to laugh at the thought that someone would actually buy cocaine from some sketchy stranger on a street corner in Manhattan without any real knowledge of what the heck they were buying.Now I understand.
Four-and-a-half cockswings for Libi SX, the secret sauce of sexual enhancement products. Get it where you can!
Zyrexin
Available at: Rite-Aid, other drug stores
Price: $24.99 10 capsule pack www.zyrexin.com
Rating: Perhaps 1/16 of a cockswing, maybe!
Perhaps this is apropos of nothing, but before I get to today’s review, I feel the overwhelming desire to point out the alarming physical resemblance between two multiple Emmy-award television icons.
The nexus of no-chi and gnocchi.
At any given time, both of these oddly androgynous celebs have given me moments of laughter, fear, terror and sadness and I certainly look forward to more couch potato time with these two appealing New Yawk-accented thespians.
That being said, I look forward to spending no additional time with the blue-painted sexual enhancement product Zyrexin. This product reinforces the 2008 presidential race gotcha-phrase “you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”
Oink oink
First off, rub this pill and the blue food coloring comes off in your hands, like a cheap tattoo you get at a monster truck rally. Then the product label cannot even keep its story straight; on one side it says works in an hour, on the other side it says it works in 45 minutes. On one side it says “doctor approved” and on the other side it says “this product is not intended to diagnose, treat cure or prevent any disease”
So why would a doctor approve it? The only reason I go to a doctor is to have him or her diagnose, treat, cure or prevent a disease. Am I to go to my doctor just so they can approve of my use of this product during fornication? Gosh, not with my high co-pay.
On top of that, this product claims to be rated the #1 natural sex pill in the world. Of course there is no reference to what world that would be. Wally World? The World Bank? World of Warcraft? So we have a product that looks like a drug, is named like a drug, claims to work like a drug, is sold in drug stores and is approved by doctors. Land sakes, I feel a stirring in my loins!
But alas, this product might be a gumball for all I know, except that I receive some pleasure from chewing on that. Even giving this crap the benefit of the doubt, I spent the 24 hours of pleasure it promised deciding whether I actually felt anything at all. Perhaps I could attribute one possible moment during that time to its efficacy, but c’mon. I didn’t shell out $24 for a passing stiffy that could have just as easily been attributed to the wind blowing by.
In big bold letters on the side of the box Zyrexin asks the question “tired of sex pills that don’t work?” Sigh. Apparently the makers of this product and their accompanying accountants are laughing all the way to the bank over that one. Don’t bother with this shit product. It may look like a duck, walk like a duck and quack like a duck, but you’d probably get more pleasure shoving a duck up your ass and calling it a day. Dear Zyrexin, in the words of Carmela Soprano, “the only difference between you and me is you’re going to hell when you die.”
Cockstar
A 2-pill sample $7.95 Available At Sex Shops
On-Line 7-pill sampler $17.97
Available for no good reason at www.vitadigest.com
Rating: Double Middle Fingers
Have you ever walked down the street and saw someone you thought looked familiar then smiled and waved at them? They then smiled and waved back at you only to realize you didn’t know them. Soon thereafter they dragged you into an alley, beat you senseless, stole your money and left you lying there bloody and demoralized?
Well that’s how I felt after taking Cockstar, a sexual enhancement product that urged me to “rock with my cock!” What they really urged me to do was to spend my hard earned Washingtons on a pill so completely without effect that I would have gotten more turned on watching the DVD extras of “Leprechaun 4: In Space”.
As you can see, they are quite obviously trading off the name of a “hip designer bevy”.
Hey now, you’re a Cockstar.
Of course I get the connection; a delicious caffeine-laden “youth” drink (yum) combined with a stupid sex product with a yellow star in its name! Obviously they are related in some way! A million dollar product distributed in every grocery store, drug store and convenience market in the country has a subsidiary that is a stupid sex pill with misspellings on its own label (”sustains during partys”). Of course, it’s the same brand! I must have it!
What’s even more galling is the website address listed on this product. When you go to this website Cockstar is nowhere to be found. Instead, this faux nutraceutical site features a bunch of other sexual enhancement products like: Cabron! Happy Campers, Conejita, Morning Wood, Kaboom, Petrified Wood, Sexo Loco and more. All these products are targeted to different stupidly self-identifying target markets, including, I kid you not, one specifically targeted to low riders!! Shrewd move, shitbirds!
All my friends blow the low rider.
Why am I wasting another keystroke on this utterly good-for-nothing piece of crap product that produced absolutely no results whatsoever? The purpose of taking male sexual enhancement formulas is for “enhancing” the experience of being with another person. If inevitably the product doesn’t work, you work with what you have. However, if you sadly (but sincerely) confer the hopes for pleasing your mate on the shallow marketing words (full erections, control of orgasms, stamina to last, more pleasure) of some faceless shill company, the disappointment of a useless product can have the reverse effect. I was not feeling particularly randy after realizing Cockstar had no plans to help me to please my partner after such overheated promises. It left the building with my money and two underage roadies. The fragile egos of middle aged men who have come to rely on “a little help” to keep their Johnsons aimed towards the pleasure dome can be sucker-punched in the nuts by these ass-wipes. They know good and well that most people won’t complain or try to return their inferior junk, so they keep on selling it. Maybe that’s why I am here. My review: Don’t buy this product. It does nothing other than make you laugh when you say “Cockstar” and that, I can personally guarantee, you can do for free.
Stiff Nights
Price: $7.95 per pill (zoinks!) www.stiffnights.com
Rating: 2 ½ Wood Swings
The folks at Stiff Nights.com are old-school drug dealers. They will not let you buy their product. They will let you try the product (or “ have ataste” as they would say in the imagined crack dens of my youth) for the horndog-on-a-budget price of just $1.99 shipping and handling.But, heck who has the time to wait for shipping AND handling? I mean, I’m on it for the shipping, but handling, too? I’ve got places to go, dog!
Lucky for me, my local lube-and-condom shop was retailing these bad boys for the no commitment price of $7.95 per pill. Shut your mouth! For the price of admission to a matinee screening of “Chronicles of Narnia 3”, I was promised 48-72 hours of rock solid erections with recovery time between ejaculations of less than 5 minutes. Damn, I can get off continuously AND put out a fire. Now that’s value.
The product packaging had all the overheated promise of being young, intense, hard, yadda-yadda-yadda. I especially liked their catch phrase “regain the thunder”. Visions of neon bolts shooting out my urethra (oh wait, that would be regain the lightning)…oh well, never mind, thunder is just not that visual….
Rebels that we are, iwst99 and I gulped our Stiff Nights at 11am on a Saturday morning. Why would Stiff Nights so baldly discriminate against the daylight hours? Who the hell are they, vampires? And since I am about to be rock-hard for the next 48 hours, what the heck is that name talking about anyway? Might I suggest the name Stiff Fortnights?
The product label promised action in 30 minutes. The website promised it takes effect in 1-2 hours. I guess if you have the time to go check out the website, you were probably waiting around for something to happen in the first 30 minutes and then gave up and checked your fantasy baseball team standings. I wasn’t feeling it in 30 minutes, but after an hour or so, I felt it. The best word I can use to describe this product? Lumber. It was like having a giant slab of lumber between my legs.
What is interesting is that there was very little “sensuousness” to this product. Its Chinese mushroom inspired ingredients got me hard alright, but my stiff knight took very little sensual pleasure among the surrounding bishops and rooks. Yeah, I’ve got a 2×4 jutting out of my pants, but what’s so sexy about a battering ram?
Being somewhat of a neophyte to the rainbow coalition of sexual enhancement products, I was somehow betrayed and disappointed by the promise versus the delivery. When I was young I was frisky and excitable and got boners just thinking about getting boners. There was no explanation and no need for this orchestrated and highly directed, obdurate blood flow to the penis. Suddenly, all the “pleasure” one would expect from an intimate afternoon roll-in-the hay with your honey was transformed into gawking at the physical wonder of drug assisted vasodilation. That’s hot.
Needless to say, my little wooden friend stayed up for a good 18-20 hours (Stiff Days-N-Nights??), with physical stimulation but no emotional frisson. I enjoyed it for what it was but hardly thought of this as a sexy experience. In addition, the product warned that 5% of users may experience headaches, which iwst99 definitely did, and I might have too, what with all the blood leaving my brain and going to my “summer home” for the weekend.
On top of that the Lubery sells this fine product in boxes of 30 for the why-not-finance inducing price of $164.50.The very enthusiastic counter-grrrl (tattoos, Peggy in “Mad Men” hairdo) assured me that this product was the most popular and seemed to have many repeat customers.Is someone taking attendance at a sex shop? Awwwwk-ward!
Welcome to the Lubery, Mr. Draper.
All things considered, Stiff Nights and its freaky web-based anime love trolls promised me that I would be hard for days, nothing more and nothing less. They delivered on that promise. However, I can’t see giving them any cock-swings for their pricy little product because instead of my cock, I just felt a hard spongy vessel filled with blood.I will give them two-and-a-half wood swings for providing the lumber necessary to provide a little weekend shade, though.
First of all I don’t really know how I feel about purchasing sexual enhancement products at a convenience store. Nothing fills a young mother with consternation at a 7-11 more than some freaky middle-aged dude perusing hard-on products while she’s trying to buy drum-sized Horchatas for her also-present niñas. I’m sure she might have considered grasping her rape whistle, but alas, she left it at home, presumably strewn about among other drum-sized beverage containers in her too-small-for-three apartment.My personal shopper at this purchase was the jauntily named Asian shop keep Chuie. Upon requesting to be directed to a product that would “get me up”, he swiftly recommended those little “5 Hour Energy” bottles. Whereupon I discreetly said, “no something to really get me up”, whereupon his non-name-tagged co-worker suggested the new improved “14 Hour Energy” bottle. I do appreciate the salesmanship here, but I have to digress into wondering what kind of activity would require 14 consecutive hours of crystal-meth like intense energy. LeMans Driving? Open Heart Surgery? Working at this Farshlugganah 7-11? What? Presuming the language differences between “get me up” and “keep me up” were insurmountable (even after I said “no, get me up, like for sex”) I did find a small collection of odd shaped bottles that discreetly provided the promises of length, strength and girth! O Valencia!They came in the form of these tidy little Cherry Extenze Shooter bottles. Priced at the bargain-minded counter price point of $2.99 (about the equivalent of the latest issue of Jet Magazine or three forlorn looking cream cheese and jalapeño taquitos), I couldn’t resist trying out this name brand product (hey, I saw it on TV – it must be good) in the comfort of my own home.
I grabbed the cute little bottles and headed off to the Internets to be provided with a plethora of well-lit You-Tube segments gushing and fawning over the ExtenZe line of penis-centric formulations. Wow! The holy grail of sexual potency at my finger tips for the price of deep fried cream cheese! Some woman (huh?) named Bridgitta was particularly agog over the cherry beverage and I couldn’t help but wonder what sexual limb had she extended? Ah well, the product has sold millions and the production values were awesome and the owner of the company was so reassuring that iwst99 and I immediately toasted our good fortune and slugged down our little growth-bevvies, which I have to say tasted de-lish. Either like liquefied Chapstick or finely chopped Crayolas.
Suffice to say, the product said we’d be “feeling it” in 20 minutes or so. Perhaps these are the same people who say “your call is very important to us and we’ll be with you shortly” because it has now been 18 hours and I still don’t feel a fracking thing, except perhaps six bucks poorer.There is a theory in the natural products biz that says if you run your infomercial enough and sell enough of something – consumers believe it must work. While a subsequent review will get around to the flagship product of these shylocks, these Extenze Cherry Boosters are a pathetic attempt at cashing in on the notoriety gained from running late night infomercials featuring jiggly-breasted women hyperventilating over penis size.No cock-swings for you, you shameless FTC violators who put “Size”, “Pleasure” and “Performance” on the side of a bottle and then leave you flaccidly twisting in the wind. A call to your customer service number is in order. Wonder how long I’ll be on hold….
